My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

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Her: don’t insult me like that

Me: I’m sorry, how would you prefer I insult you?


Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor’s front yard


What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?


When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”


the first snowflake of winter: *falls*



My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”


People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.


[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
M: How you doin’?


The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.