My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
B
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.