@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

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@tsm560

Her: don’t insult me like that

Me: I’m sorry, how would you prefer I insult you?

@shwebby3

Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor’s front yard

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

@AspergersAreUs

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

@MNateShyamalan

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: WE DEMAND SOUP

@HenpeckedHal

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

@JermHimselfish

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

@JohnLyonTweets

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

@DamienFahey

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.