My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
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If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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