My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”