It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
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Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.