My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

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all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood


I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.


There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.


“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”


Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.


Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.

Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.


Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!


Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy


Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.