@amydillon

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

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@_knuck_

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

@caribbeanaj

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

@Quartzjixler

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

@mela_shea

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

@sucittaM

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

@sickipediabot

Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.

Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.

@PlainTravis

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

@JasonNotEvil

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.