@amydillon

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

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@gm_cage

My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..

@Marlebean

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

@50FirstTates

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

@Darlainky

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@pharmasean

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

@TheAlexP

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

@TheAlexNevil

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

@KSBoswell

so two of my classmates just asked our professor if his shirt is missing a 2nd part.

@serendipitydon1

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.