@amydillon: My life these days is basically the "before" segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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@vladyhh: tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
@PlainTravis: I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I'd have an excuse to tell passengers, "Where we're going, we don't need roads."
@Staggfilms: Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75. Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
@Chumpstring: Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.