My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

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My 8 yr old son asked me earlier what the first two letters of ‘fun’ are.
I laughed, we fist bumped, and then I sent him to the corner..


Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”


shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go


I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!


After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.


You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine


Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.


First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.


so two of my classmates just asked our professor if his shirt is missing a 2nd part.


Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.