My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Think I pulled my liver
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS