My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

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Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,


Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.


ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something


JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?


JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not


“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.


superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?


Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.


“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.