Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.