@El_nacho_Nigre

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

- @El_nacho_Nigre

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i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

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Waiter: how do you want your burger?
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@shatty48

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@goldengateblond

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

@SladeBlue

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@MunkMania

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

@JohnLyonTweets

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@Maddy_Obrien27

Hallelujah started playing at church today

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Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

@KimmyMonte

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

@junejuly12

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.