My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
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Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.