@El_nacho_Nigre

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

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@AlexvanBeek

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

@murrman5

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

@Aspersioncast

If my girlfriend is late for work & looking for keys,
I help by following her around the house & looking in exactly the same spots she does.

@50FirstTates

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

@PaperWash

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

@Kalarlis

hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume

@Buffalojilll

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

@GriffonTaylonYo

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

@CrockettForReal

Doctor: we have to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s the most important part

@yoyoha

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.