A flamingo in the streets and a lion in the sheets and a kangaroo at Target and I think Carl forgot to lock up the zoo last night.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
You Might Also Like
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My neighbor told me she doesn’t care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she’s a hypocrite.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.
There’s no recipe in this world that raisins can’t ruin.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie:
“Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days”
“Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days”
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.