My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

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My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.


My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.


*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*throws another
*throws another
*throws another
Burglar: WTF


“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*


Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog


ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking


My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”


I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck


“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”


Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on