@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

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@thebeckyard

My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.

@ericsshadow

My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@chuuew

Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog

@fro_vo

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

@Abfablee

My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”

@ficklenuts

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

@SkinnerSteven

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

@Smooheed

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on