My mom said if I try to storm Area 51 that I’m grounded, so I guess I’m out, you guys.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
*throws flashlight at him
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
BANKER: okay, just checking
My tombstone will say, “She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard.”
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on