Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
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No, YOUR illiterate.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
S M O L
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.