My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.