My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

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whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.


Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.


Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.


*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*


Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.


“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.


If Noah was not holding ‘ Control ‘ while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.


Cardinals are fornicating on my porch again! The birds…not the religious robey dudes.


As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.