My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
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During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight