me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
me: will you punch a house
“My lips are sealed.”
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
The first step is admitting you have a problem.
Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.