@DumbConfessions

“My lips are sealed.”

-Virgins.

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@OllyiConic

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

@mattZillaaaa

I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut

@Hemant_i_am

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

@fluffysuse

If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.

@iGreenMonk

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.

@XplodingUnicorn

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

@lazerdoov

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

@skedaddle74

I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”

@Reverend_Scott

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.