“My lips are sealed.”


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me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house


I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut


Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.


If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.


The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Unless your problem is always admitting things then I don’t really know how to help you.


I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.


I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.


I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”


The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.