triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
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Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
True.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).