DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
This is true.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Ugh but profoundly
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*