My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing