@jacaristar

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

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@DudeInABearSuit

If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.

@mamapjs1

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

@NYC_Blonde

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

@NateMorrising

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

@Jeff_G_Nixon

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: describe the suspect
“He was holding a pencil, wishing he was a real artist”
{pencil stops moving}
“And he was crying”

@MrsGoose69

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

@RobTemple101

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

@Cryptoterra

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

@TheMichaelRock

Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.