My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

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If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.


She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.


I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed


Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call


POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: describe the suspect
“He was holding a pencil, wishing he was a real artist”
{pencil stops moving}
“And he was crying”


My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.


Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.


Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding


Mall Santa: what do you want for Christmas?

Me: drugs.

Mall Santa *whispers* meet me in the food court in 20 minutes.