@lukasbattle

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

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@Staggfilms

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

@lasergirl70

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

@ppppolls

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

@iancanwrite

Two things:

1: Got burgled this week.

2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.

@sickipediabot

I’ll be honest, the only time I’d ever want to be ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ would be if I was chasing them

With an axe.

@HeatherAntos

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

@heyitsJudeD

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

@envydatropic

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

@OakHill_

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles