My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
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Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
What an awful time to have common sense.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”