My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
You Might Also Like
New favorite tiktok
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Same post same
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so