*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”
– Me with Thin Mints, and women.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“Do what you love & the money will follow.”
Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.
And now, I wait…
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.