Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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teacher: why did richard nixon resign
me: uh i dont know. dam
me: that’s what i said
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried
Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*