@ChaseMit

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

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@MissHavisham

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

@halloweenbears

it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room

@VerbsRProudest

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

@velvettusk

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

@Go2Slp

“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”

– Me with Thin Mints, and women.

@MissHavisham

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

@girl_a_whirl

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

@Samigrl2

“Do what you love & the money will follow.”

Ate some pizza, harassed a telemarketer, & took a 6 hr nap in my underwear.

And now, I wait…

@robdelaney

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

@LostFelicia

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.