my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
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me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
why I oughta
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Important
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.