My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Hank is one in a melon.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it