My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
You Might Also Like
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!