My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
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When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I am also baked goods
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.