My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no