ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
scared to check what name she chose
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse