@HatfieldAnne

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

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@MattShiney

“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers

@trustedshoe

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

@TheHyyyype

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

@IncrediblyRich

I’m wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I’m doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.

@4SLars

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

@KizerBillhelm

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

@wolfpupy

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@JimmerThatisAll

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?