My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

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“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers


I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)


[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no


I’m wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I’m doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.


Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.


I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.


if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo


INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?


INTERVIEWER: holy shit


Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?