I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*
What do you mean, like a sandwich?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.