@XplodingUnicorn

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

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@better_off_dad2

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

@gramnoc

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

@thetits

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

@AimeeHelene1

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

@Home_Halfway

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.

@murrman5

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER