My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

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The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.


[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.


My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti


Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.


I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.


So, are you a sub? *he looks into my eyes*

What do you mean, like a sandwich?


if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up



Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.