My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)