Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?