@thenatewolf

My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.

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@subtweetopath

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

@UtterlyTC

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

@MavenofHonor

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

@Darlainky

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

@TheHyyyype

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

@pilau

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

@okaymachado

What do we want?

MORE EXISTENTIALIST JOKES!

When do we want them?

WHY?

@QwertyJones3

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*