[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.
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My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Thank you.
What do we want?
MORE EXISTENTIALIST JOKES!
When do we want them?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*