@thenatewolf

My love is like the sea, the deeper it gets the weirder it gets.

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@causticbob

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

@stonedcoldlazy

Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!

@ArfMeasures

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

@timdonakowski

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

@Rollmaninoz

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

@wildethingy

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

@KevinFarzad

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

@BoomBoomBetty

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

@paulbarbar_II

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

@ruinedpicnic

“you look nice” – sweet potato
“im so high” – baked potato
“you suck!” – roast potato
“what have I done” – guy who made talking potatoes