@KoKeniSasquatch

My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.

Shit. It’s empty.

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@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@ankles_so_weak

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

@McClaneJohn2

Whiskey is not the answer.

Whiskey is the question, yes is the answer.

@Parkerlawyer

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

@sharpular

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

@mom_tho

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

@zachreinert03

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

@Marlebean

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn