Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
it’s a van. how do they not know this
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing