My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.

Shit. It’s empty.

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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.


Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*


Whiskey is not the answer.

Whiskey is the question, yes is the answer.


I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.


You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.


6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ


finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid


How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*


Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn