This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Some people were born into their job.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
definitely did not do anything wrong
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.