My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
It do be feeling this way.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day