@Darlainky

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

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@UncleDuke1969

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

@AngelaEhh

When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’

I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’

I’m popular.

@VodkaThursday

My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit

@MommaUnfiltered

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

@MandiAtRandom

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

@Schmoodles

Facebook is a good reminder that I went to school with idiots.

@Kids_kubed

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

@chudneyspears

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.