S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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Good morning, Twitter x
When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’
I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’
My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won’t stand for any of that shit
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Facebook is a good reminder that I went to school with idiots.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.