My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
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Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.