My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
You Might Also Like
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.