My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.