My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

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Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.


I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.


Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.


I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”


When I take pictures of cheese I yell “SAY HUMANS!” and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.


woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk


I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.


Sneaky? Dude, I got two handfuls of soup into a movie theater once.