Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
you stereotypes are all alike
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy