My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
You Might Also Like
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.