from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
*bites zombie*
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos