My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school