My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I鈥檓 way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we鈥檙e only 80% of the way through one room and I鈥檓 already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it鈥檚 over
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I鈥檝e been running for 10 years.
Smashing pi帽atas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
i鈥檓 not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i鈥檓 just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
ok this is my dumbest yet
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Banker: So, you鈥檇 like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I鈥檓 in.
Awwwwww he is confused! 鉂わ笍馃ぃ馃ぃ
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven鈥檛 watched any animes and don鈥檛 really have strong opinions on TV :/
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
It鈥檚 been a few days now but I鈥檓 still thinking about this
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia