My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

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These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.


I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at

Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…

Yep, now he’s looking


I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.


INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?




MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself


After many years I’ve realized I’m allergic to beer. It causes me to break out in places.
Places I have no idea how to get home from.


When someone shows you they don’t want to be a part of your life, let them go.

I’m not saying you can’t make a voodoo doll of them, though.


Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.


wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off


Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-

Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that


[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.