My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
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Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.