Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Straight people are cancelled
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
and this one
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You