My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows: