My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener