My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My life coach traded me.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”