My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
worst…sale…ever