My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Kentucky names the shit out of places
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Florida be like…
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over