My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I WON A HAM TODAY
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one