@craydrienne

My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait that’s not my waiter.

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@o__0Dev

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

@DrakeGatsby

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

@fightforfood

The first person to milk a cow probably saw a baby cow nursing and was like oh yeah people do that too and I have no food I don’t wanna die

@fro_vo

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

@SteveKoehler22

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

@corysnearowski

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

@InternetHippo

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

@PFTompkins

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”