@DallyDoll

My microwave beeps if I don’t open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I’m fat, microwave. I won’t forget there’s food in there.

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@michel_lesann

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

@robdelaney

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

@FormerGrunt

When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.

@FilthyRichmond

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

@poutinesmoothie

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

@motrboatr

Thanks, but it’s spelled “sexiest”, not “sexist”. Stupid woman.

@PaperWash

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

@ArfMeasures

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal