@GrumpyBahr

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

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@Xalqee

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

@abbycohenwl

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

@KattsDogma

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

@HenpeckedHal

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

@jackiembouvier

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

@ImABaconDonut

One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.

About the same as a common Monday on Earth.

@AnemoneOh

Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese

@ceejoyner

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

@rickolantern

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket