My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend