My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

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If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?


Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way


me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired


My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.


Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!


One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.

About the same as a common Monday on Earth.


Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese


Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.


Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket